So here are a few journals I’ve lately been fantasizing about founding:
- The Journal of Clarity in the Humanities: This journal would accept original articles as well as translations from other works written in putative English. As a funding mechanism, the journal will offer a pay-per-minute telephone translation service for students attempting to wade through waist-high postmodern soup. (“Press 1 for Judith Butler. Press 2 for Michel Foucault. Press 3 for Derrida, but note that psychoanalytic surcharges apply…”)
- The American Journal of Ethical Bioethics (AJOEB): This would be an explicit competitor to the American Journal of Bioethics (AJOB) which holds the distinction of being led by the only major figure fired as the head of an ethics program for…well, read about it all in Scientific American, why don’t you? To distinguish itself from AJOB (typically pronounced “AY-job”), AJOEB would be pronounced “ay-JOHB,” as in the Biblical character Job who actually struggles with genuine questions of morality. Whereas rumor has it that AJOB editor-in-chief McGee’s motto is, “We don’t know what I think yet, because we’re still establishing my price,” AJOEB’s motto would be, “Reaching out beyond our own beds for editorial staff.” Incidentally, a colleague informs us that “a job” is a euphemism in South Africa for a bowel movement. Just sayin’.
- The Journal of Impact Factor (JIF): I admit this one was also inspired by AJOB, because this journal is designed to be dedicated only to its own impact factor. (I’m talking about JIF. Really.) Papers will be accepted or rejected purely on the basis of how likely they are to raise the journal’s own impact factor. I believe this will make people happy to review for the journal, since the easy-to-use review algorithm will be provided to reviewers as an iPhone app. (Sorry, Droid users.) Upon submission, authors will sign away the right to ever withdraw their submissions, and papers likely to improve the impact factor of competitor journals will be perpetually locked in unreasonable requests for revision. Papers which cite only papers previously published in JIF will receive fast-tracking status. Each paper published will be required to have an acknowledgments section which explicitly cites the paper itself, for good measure, and every paper in each issue will cite all the other papers as if they were target articles. JIF’s slogan? “For Choosy Mothers.”
As you were, people.